A few tips on how to "convince" Assad to step down

Barack Obama and other world leaders are asking Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to step down.  It's probably a good thing because the guy is clearly an asshole.  Who the hell thinks it's okay to shoot peaceful protesters?  Or worse:

Security forces were alleged to have killed wounded civilians by putting them alive in refrigerators in hospital morgues, it said.

 What kind of sick bastard does that?  Even in bad movies you don't see crap like that.  At least Patrick Bateman had the good manners to crack your scull in with an axe and not make you suffer.  And when Jeffrey Dahmer put his victims in a freezer, they were already dead.  There's just no honor among sociopaths anymore.

Anyhow, we've established that Assad is a jackass and needs to go, but I don't think asking him nicely is going to do the trick.  And as for sanctions being pushed, well that worked fantastic getting rid of Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong-Il, both world class assholes in their own right.  We need to take some more creative measures.  Now, it's bad politics to assassinate another leader (which the US would never do!).  But I've got some ideas.

We're the United States of America after all!  We've got weapons that would make Tom Clancy proud.  You could order a bomb strike that could take out my coffee table and leave me without a scratch.  We should remove the high explosives in a cruise missile, replace them with hotel mints, and send it through Assad's bedroom window and leave him a present on his pillow.  Not to hurt the guy mind you, just to show him we care.  If that doesn't require a new pair of boxer shorts, I don't know what will.  Or perhaps a cluster bomb dropped on the Presidential palace with the munitions replaced with first class tickets to the exile location of his choosing might work.

While we don't necessarily have to kill the asshole to stop all this, who says we can't have a little fun with it.  Of course, if all that doesn't work, I'm sure a predator drone colonoscopy would get results.

Obama's tour bus made in Canada?!

Imagine the headlines if the replacement to the Air Force's own 747 used as Air Force One were replaced by an Airbus A380.  People would be rioting in the streets if we forsake our own Boeing Corp for a plane that runs on cognac and frog legs.  Now it's come to our attention that President Obama is having his midwest bus tour on a Canadian made Provost luxury bus.  Forgetting the fact that Obama isn't a rockstar, and doesn't need a tour bus when he's got ample transportation by land, sea and air already, why wouldn't he pick an American bus first?  It is after all a jobs tour, and what better way to promote American job creation than by buying American?!

Of course, there are ways to salvage this tour, and I've got some advice for Obama on how to save face.  What better way to create jobs than by funding another war?  Wars need soldiers, and soldiers are hard working members of society who bring home income to their families.  That income gets spent in a multitude of ways and the economy prospers.  The problem is, I'm tired of us going to war and having these soldiers end up getting killed.  It's not right, it's not fair, and I just won't stand for it.

So our solution is not some war in Syria, or Libya, or some other country that ends with -istan.  It's time we show those hockey playing, poutine eating, metric system using 'eh holes who's boss.  It wouldn't even be that hard to overtake Canada.  We could drive tanks into the capital city of Edmonton, or Saskatchewan, or Quebec, or wherever the hell it is in about 6-8 hours, with minimal casualties (mostly from moose tipping incidents mind you).  Imagine the look on their Prime Minister's face as we nuke Manitoba!

We're talking a people who's greatest contribution to society is Celine Dion for Christ's sake! Do people like that even deserve to have their own government?  They might've given us hockey, which is awesome, but by giving us hockey we got stuck with Gary Bettman, and in my mind that's a crime punishable by death.  Their national food is french fries, cheese curds and gravy.  What the hell is that crap?!

So I suggest to you that our best course of action is to invade Canada.  They'll have no idea what's going on, and I guarantee they won't suspect it.  And since they've been leeching off our economy for years, I advise that we make them our 51st state, or better yet, give Texas back to Mexico and replace it with Canada.